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How You Like To Waste Your Day

by Toluca Lake

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1.
Waste 04:15
Drinking alone again, in the dark I must have left my light off. I don’t have two bills to rub together, and I can’t shake this cough. No direction, I’m aiming for the floor. Hit the ground hard enough, I might get what I’m asking for. An escape, or a break; maybe a comfortable morning. I guess I’m making this hard for me, again. I just wish that you could stay. I got plenty that I think that we could say. I’m always stuck in the way. I swear I’m not a twenty-something waste. Cleaning up again for your visit, try to hide the empty bottles and dishes. I’m living in hell and trying to fix myself. I’m trying to put on a smile for everyone else. I told myself I’d stop doing this on weekdays, I’m spending all my money just to get another weak taste. Stumble up to my room to hide here until the morning. My cup is overflowing. Staying up until the suns about to rise. I hear a voice in my head, saying “just let in the light”. I just wish that you could stay. I got plenty that I think that we could say. I’m always stuck in the way. I swear I’m not a twenty-something waste. I feel like I’m going to die here. I feel like I’m gonna drown. I feel like I’m gonna die here. I don’t want to bring you down. I feel like I’m going to die here. I feel like I’m gonna drown. Maybe I deserve to stay someplace where I’m lost and never found.
2.
Saying empty praises in basements while the room around me spins Wasting time and forgetting names of all the people walking in Setting myself up for failure, just like I always did Disappoint and hurt the people closest that want to see me win I feel that I don’t deserve a call I’m too gone to save, I only learned to fall Stop, start seeing all the ways you seem to treat your friends I’d hate to see where the train wreck ends. I’m swimming into peril Can’t see the warning signs I have to teach myself to treat me right, to live, for life I feel that I don’t deserve a call I’m too gone to save, I haven’t learned at all It’s in my blood to fail and run away Stop me from believing it Stop me from believing I can’t change I’m ashamed to say I put me first I don’t want to be like this anymore I feel that I don’t deserve a call I’m too gone to save, I haven’t learned at all It’s in my blood to fail and run away Stop me from believing it Stop me from believing I can’t change
3.
Hallmark 02:37
Broadway at 3am You’re acting like we’re friends But I know you know I've got nowhere to go. Guess that I thought it would be safe What I mean is: I never want to see your face. When I think I could go it alone I’m just reminded of the body you stole So tell me, how is this gonna go? This is the way that I break it all down Just so I can see things looking up ‘Cause you got everything you wanted You’re taking everything for granted It seems like you got all this figured out Or are you faking that as well? Another life I lived would show me space Another way that I could find to give it all away And I couldn’t figure you out cause I knew from the look that was on your face You weren’t looking for a yes or no I just couldn’t get away. Yeah, you got everything you wanted You’re taking everything for granted It seems like you got all this figured out Or are you faking that as well?
4.
Ranma 04:20
Catch me, I’m barely alive Wet on the skin with nothing inside See all the angles on my face My insides feel so dry I lied. Stop me and ask if I’m fine Yeah, I think I need a break from my mind I can’t just stimulate this away It’s been decades, and it hasn’t changed I lied. Curious, all in all it’s curious. All in all, it’s a lie. Softly, like wind in the night K-cups and codeine so you can feel right. She can’t stop staring at your face Nothing left but a life to waste It’s fake Carry the shame and the spite Your heavyweight shoulders make everything light This is never getting better I always say whatever This is gonna kill me someday. Why wait? Curious, all in all it’s curious. All in all, it’s a lie.
5.
I wanna find a way to navigate It all just seems so simple; it all leads to me. I swear it only takes me half an hour To get to where you are I’m not that far It’s easy, it’s a straight shot up route 3 Screaming every word from every song when we were younger Drinking myself blind, cause I thought we had each other Wish I had known that things weren’t gonna last Maybe I’d’ve taken a few steps back I can’t blame you, when I’m the one who left. I know it seems a little out of place Most of the time I’m trying to save face I don’t call you, you don’t call me, and this is how it’s been, always It’s never quite the time or place To ask if you have been okay To ask how you’ve been keeping busy Or how you like to waste your day I know I don’t always make sense But this is how the story ends A tale of everything we felt A book with all the time we spent I’ve spent a lot of time with my thoughts Picking apart what could’ve went wrong Every string I pull at leads to me I wish I could show you all what I meant When I apologized for everything I could’ve done better. I should’ve done better. I wanna do better. I was everything but a good friend. I never thought it’d be this way I remember every day Where we would find ways to keep busy Just explore to waste the day I know I didn’t make much sense This isn’t how I thought it’d end Stumble through a foggy haze To find I’ve lost all of my friends Maybe you could see I’ve changed Well, I admit to changing.

about

A 5-song EP about trying to build a relationship and friendships while struggling with alcoholism, addiction, poverty, and wanting to change.

All proceeds this month will be donated to BLM Boston

credits

released August 30, 2020

Mixed and Produced by Mike Jannino at Dream Drop Media
Bass Engineering and Mastering by Matt Cohen (www.mattcohen-audio.com)
Songwriting on Hallmark and Ranma with Neal Goldman

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Toluca Lake Lowell, Massachusetts

Boston, MA nb fronted 3 piece

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